October
1 2016 will mark 9 months since I took my shahada. The time it takes
to give birth. So I thought it might be appropriate to write about my
gestational period so to speak. The early days were full of
excitement, wonder and innocently questioning my sense of qibla
direction. Getting the basics down like how to perform wudu, the
reason behind wudu and what exactly counted as 1 rakat were a joyful
learning curve. Baby steps...baby steps.
During
those first young months, I struggled for a reference point. My means
of understanding Islam were rooted in Catholicism. I compared and
contrasted ideas and methods in the two religions, trying to reach
conclusions. My interior dialogue had 2 mother tongues and I felt
that I was straddling two worlds. I still am very much straddling
those two worlds and I'm guessing this would be much more difficult
for a new Muslim who wasn't a born Canadian. That blurry sense of identity is bred in my bones and so it's a place I can dwell
quite easily. It's not such a "stretch" so to speak.
Searching
for meaning and essence has created a sort of paradox within me. I am
a white, middle class (and i say that with a sense of irony), woman
with an Italian Roman Catholic upbringing who has taken her shahada
and is diving into middle eastern culture and mindset. Shy and unsure of community
functions, I remain solitary in that sense, although my hijab is
ready to go.
I've
been so very blessed with people who have helped me along the road to
the straight path. People who have held my hand as I’ve wobbled
taking my first running steps into the arms of the truth. I do my
best learning when I'm free to explore imagery, symbols, subtext and
allegory. It's how I roll.
Unfortunately
my 9 months hasn't been all hearts and flowers. I've had Muslims flat
out tell me I'm not Muslim. I've had one Muslim tell me I dont know the basics and should forget everything I thought I knew and start over. My favorite scholar is a “devil” simply because he is from the
west. People on YouTube are just making their own religion. All
knowledge stems from Saudi Arabia and everything else is haram. All
that matters is the Sunnah and the Qur’an. Real Muslims dont imitate
Christians when they talk. Sick of Muslims who want an easy religion. Pakistanis are mostly terrorists and why
should I even consider liking one? I'm just being naive. And finally,
all you need to do is learn the Prophet's (pbuh) life and the few
generations after the prophet (saw) and live as he did. That's all a
Muslim is meant to consider.
This
inflamed discussion felt like I had the prayer rug yanked from
underneath me. Just because I didn't like how it was presented to me,
didn't mean that there wasn't something I could learn from it. “Seek
knowledge and wisdom, or whatever the vessel from which it flows, you
will never be the loser.” What I did learn was I'm missing historical information about the
life and times of our Prophet (pbuh). My next goal insh'allah is to
learn about his life and everything that went on in those 23 years.
So in
my 9th month, I look forward to learning about the
historical side of Islam, reaching out to community, and increasing
my iman through the pursuit of knowledge. And some metaphysical stuff because it's truly soul food for me.
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